So much on my mind…so much I want to write about (job search, family issues, friends, etc.) …but, today I’m thinking I just have to process “out loud” what God is stirring in my heart/what I’m struggling with currently. I’m not sure if this will even make sense…
I was recently involved in a discussion about how “mature Christians” should not need to be “spoon fed”…that as someone that has had a personal relationship with Christ (for a long time) we/they should be able to be “self feeders” – studying God’s word on their own (since they have been “spoon fed” along the way and know how to do it for themselves by now).
This hits home to me because in my job I deal with questions about “Why don’t we have this study available?” and “Why don’t we offer this certain class?” etc. (And the questions usually come from women that have been Christ followers for a LONG time…and have participated in a lot of classes). When I am focused on “them” and “their question”, I can be quick to point out that as a “mature Christian” they should be doing that themselves – studying God’s word, leading a bible study in their own spear of influence, having personal quality time with God, etc.. It’s easy for me to wonder “Why are they not doing that?…They have been taught, they know what do to, they have resources, they have history with how God works and what He says…and I know that THEY know it’s important to make their relationship with God a priority – to keep it fresh and growing. What’s up with them…that they need someone to do it for them?”
What about ME?…I accepted Christ as my Savior at the ripe old age of about 10…then made it truly personal in my early 20’s and then became serious about following Him after my children were born. Do I not still want and “expect” to be “spoon fed” at this point? Do I look to someone else to provide me the tools, the “program”, the night of the week/time to study? Do I look to others to challenge me or “make me” study the word?
I work for a church for goodness sake…I help (hopefully) women connect to each other and to Christ on a daily basis. I try to encourage and challenge and work hard to help provide opportunities for women to grow and be developed. But…in the quiet moments when I’m just with my own thoughts – do I still struggle with wanting someone to do the work FOR ME in regards to my relationship with Christ.
Today I’m struggling with “When was the last time YOU, Lori Lynn Eubanks, were CONSISTENT with God on your own…when was the last time you sat, opened His word and just had time CONSISTENTLY with Him – not just to work through a bible study lesson so you didn’t feel “lame” for not doing it…but just because you are so in awe of who He is, that you NEED, WANT, DESIRE to be with Him?”
Please do not misunderstand what I am trying to express (but might be saying poorly) – I am NOT, in ANY way saying that “organized” studies or accountability is not important (dare I say “necessary”). But – what I AM saying is that FOR ME (and maybe for others that have been on this path for a long time), isn’t it time to REALLY get serious about this? Isn’t it time for me to build my schedule around time with Him…instead of fitting him in when I’m in crisis or have a few extra minutes…or dare I say, cause it’s part of my job? (OUCH!) Don’t I believe and know better at this point? Shouldn’t I have moved past the justification part of all this – gotten past the “I really don’t have time” stuff (when I know every contestant on most reality TV shows by name and update face book hourly?)”
So – there you have it. I’m just a girl… on a journey… and admitting that often I don’t want to do the actual WORK that a deeper relationship with Christ requires. I’m quite ashamed to admit that as a “paid Christian” it’s still a struggle for me and that often He is NOT my #1 priority. I just felt the need to “throw it out there” – to admit that I NEED to be in His word…NEED to be spending time COMMUNICATING with Him (for me that means praying…and then SHUTTING UP to listen)…and NEED to reorganize my life so that I’m not “working Him in” but actually putting Him first.
While God has been working on my heart…He’s also been faithful to remind me that GRACE is truly what He is all about! I love that He longs for time with me…even when I don’t “long” for time with Him. The thought of Him standing, looking at me – arms open wide, with a BEAMING smile and pride in His eyes, truly makes this journey worth it. It’s time for me to re-engage some…to get serious about my relationship with the one that gave His life for me.
Where are you in this journey? I’d love to hear about it.
Sorry for the “rant” – hope I made some sense…(but really, it’s ok if I didn’t to you… This was all about HIM!)
P.S. Job Search update: still looking (please keep praying)! 🙂