It’s taken me several days to post this, but after sharing it with Tom and asking him if I should, he encouraged me to. My desire would be to be authentic (with whoever takes the time to read this post) about where I am and hopefully where I’m headed…as well as to encourage anyone else that’s been struggling.

As 2020 rolls in, I’m counting on the truth of “His mercies are new every morning year”.

---

It’s December 27^th and I’m wishing, with everything in me, that I was writing about how happy the holidays were…how much I enjoyed the memories from this year and long to reflect on them…or how picture-perfect Christmas Day was around here (I’m actually not even sure if I took a single photo on Christmas Day).  The truth is, as I (literally) crawled in to bed on December 25^th, my husband sweetly said, “We will NEVER have another year {Christmas Day} like this again…I promise.”

Actually, it wasn’t just “Christmas” that was lacking in joy for me…it was my heart for a good part of this year. Depression has a way of masking itself as “just a bad day” or “sadness” over an event or season.  A few weeks ago, as I sat crying with Tom on our couch, I finally said, “I think I need some help- I think I’m depressed.”

This realization came from me personally identifying with EVERY facebook post or discussion that spoke of: sadness around the holidays…or offering grace to those that you have no idea what they are going through or carrying around with them…or checking on friends that “seem fine” but are not…as well as some random article entitled “Warning Signs of Depression to Watch Out For” (that I mentally put a “check” next to almost every sign mentioned). Add to that my lack of enthusiasm or desire to be with people or look forward to things that typically cause delight, and I knew I was in trouble.

I’ve needed some help (counseling and/or medication) a few times over the course of my life…after a miscarriage and hard start to our first few years of marriage…the year Brittney left for college and my mother-in-law was dying of cancer…and a year when  Tom and I were far from feeling connected and I flat-lined in regards to putting any effort into our relationship.  I’m a FIRM believer that EVERYone and ANYone can benefit from therapy/counseling and I’ve never been embarrassed or afraid to wave the white flag to say, “I need help”. My issue is putting myself back on my priority list and making it happen…which, quite honestly, might be part of the reason for this post being shared.  #accountability

Yesterday, over lunch, Brittney and I talked about this year known as “2019” and how ready we both are to move on from it. We named the hardships and attempted to come up with some “wins”/positives. The ONE thing that we originally had on the “yahoo” list was “Landry {#grandgirl} being born”…and later DIED LAUGHING as we realized that she actually arrived in 2018!

After taking some time to pour out the “crap” that we felt this year, rest assured that we both got to the place of acknowledging that THROUGH IT ALL, God made Himself known and we DO believe He was fully present.

He was there during job stress and change for Tom and me.

He was there when we left our home and moved to a house (in a different city).

He was there and saw my hurt and sadness over the loss of relationships that I don’t  have the emotional energy to try to heal/work on right now.

He was there as my concern over my mom’s health and comfort increased.

He was there through the death of my dear friend, Sheri.

He was there as I grieved with many friends dealing with REALLY hard things and as I attempted to minister to women God brought my way who needed my support and love.

He was there as I felt the weight of speaking truth in love – that sometimes weighed on my heart for days, weeks or months.

He was there as I continued to battle daily chronic pain and struggled with self-worth due to wanting to do things that my body no longer allows.

He was there as we watched our daughter’s marriage coming to an end.

He was there as our daughter and grandson (and dog) moved into our home.

He was there as Tom and I prayed over our overwhelming concern for our precious grandson – learning how to live without his mommy and daddy together.

He was there as we wept over the change in our relationship with our son (in-law) and wondered, “Does he miss us/being a part of our family…like we are missing him?” and “How can we love him well during all this change?”.

And…He was there every time I sat on the couch and cried (and argued) cause I doubted His plan, His ways, and even His deep, deep love for me and my family.

He was there in 2019…and will be in 2020. I’m trusting Him to take the ashes of 2019 and turn them into something beautiful in 2020 and beyond.  I’m thankful that He is completely “OK” with my tears, my doubts, my fears, and my “unbelief”…actually, He welcomes them. He’s also completely “OK” with me reaching out to a professional for some help and guidance (and possibly some needed meds).  While HE is the author of ALL peace, comfort, healing and grace – I love that He gives counselors, pastors, friends and family wisdom to share and offer.

To be clear – there were, DEFINITELY, great things that happened this year. It’s just that when you feel a weight of sadness the minute you open your eyes in the morning, you have to work REALLY hard to see them. It’s a choice – and one that I didn’t always make or focus on.

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me for “a word” that had meaning or that I planned to focus on.  I didn’t text back right away because, honestly, I had nothing…my mind was completely blank. But, just to check it off my list (and not be rude by not responding), I sent back, “A word: JOY”.

The next week I received this gift in the mail from her.

So – I’m thinking God wants me to focus on JOY this year.  Not “happiness”…but JOY. JOY that only comes from being truly connected to Him. When that happens, I know it will spill over in all areas of my life.  For those that have felt my “lack of” this year – I’m truly sorry and hope you will forgive me and offer some needed grace. I hope this coming year I will be a better representative of Jesus and how He loves people.

I can’t wait to see the beauty 2020 will be…not because everything will go “great” or every situation will be “better”, but because I’m going to work on me and trust God to make something beautiful with the ashes I currently feel.

#seeYa2019

#bringIt2020

#ThankYouGodForBeingThereForBoth