Crazy how the body and mind work. 

For the last few days, I’ve felt a cloud overhead and didn’t really know why.  We had a good weekend celebrating a wedding with some friends, and yet I felt “blah” when I wasn’t focused on the fun going on.  I woke up this morning and literally wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed.  I didn’t feel “sick” and yet I didn’t feel “well” either.  I thought, “What is wrong with you?…It’s Tuesday and you have a TON to do!”

I told myself to “suck it up” and went through the motions of getting myself ready and out the door to work.  My first meeting of the day included a sweet discussion and prayer time about being weary and the need to rest and trust God with our busyness or being overwhelmed.  I wanted to feel “armored up” and encouraged as everyone spoke of God being a source of strength when we are weary, etc., but honestly while my head was nodding in agreement, my heart was still feeling off.

A few minutes later,  I sat down and opened my email/calendar…and it hit me.

June.

June 10^th.

June 10^th, 2024.

It’s been a year.

One year ago, I had my ankle replacement surgery. One year ago, I entered the hospital with HIGH HOPES of eventually being pain free and walking like someone under the age of 90.  I knew the recovery was going to be crazy hard and long (although, hello…didn’t know exactly HOW long!).  The anxious fear that I had leading up to it was kept in check by the many, many prayers being prayed and I was eager to check the boxes, get it done, and planned to kick the chronic pain I had had for 17+ years to the curb (which is funny cause a curb/sidewalk is where all this started)!

I wish I was looking back at June 10, 2024 and celebrating “independence day”.  But – today I realized that my body is, indeed, keeping the score of this past year and this date is not my favorite.

Recently someone inquired about my now signature limp and I said, “Oh, I had ankle replacement surgery” and a friend who was with me said, “Well – she actually had TWO!”  The stranger said, “You had to have BOTH ankles REPLACED?!?” and she was shocked (as most people are) when I replied, “No – I actually had the same ankle done twice.”  Sometimes when I say it out loud, it still seems like a not so funny joke.

I wrote an update after my first surgery – about three months into my recovery.  You can read that update here but bottom line, the first surgery didn’t go well, and we had to do it again 16 weeks later. After that, another couple of months of not putting ANY weight on my leg so, I went from June to December without walking. It was a GREAT day when I moved to a boot! I sent this picture to my family – who hadn’t seen me stand on two feet in 6 months – even though it showed my very dirty tennis shoe that I’d rolled over often on my scooter!

Since December, I’ve been doing physical therapy and continue to have round the clock pain.  While I haven’t had narcotics since January-ish, my gummie at night is something my body is requiring for sleep. I still have pain when I walk, when I stand, when I sit and when I lie down.

The words expressed on this blog back in September (how I felt, things I learned or were thankful for) are still true now…

*That I’m disappointed that the outcome wasn’t better (or even “good”) and that most of the time I’m completely “over it”.

*That I’m sick of feeling 90+ when I’m really only (almost) 60! 🙂

*That God is good and while His plans are often different than mine, He can be trusted and is working for MY good.

*That I don’t want to become bitter and not represent Jesus well during this time.

*And that I want to say “I trust Him” and mean it – and want others to believe me as well.

A facebook friend recently shared that her husband had this same surgery and was doing GREAT. I am so completely thrilled for him/them!  While I don’t tend to stay on the “Why didn’t it work for ME?” wagon for long, I know God is completely ok with me asking. 

We live in a crazy fallen world where pain and suffering are part of the package deal here. There are plenty of things/situations that don’t make sense. The truth is, His ways are not mine. He sees the big picture, I do not.

But- there WILL be a day that I will walk (and RUN!) pain free. And there WILL be a day where I will be able to bend my knee and fall to the ground to worship the one that has carried me through this past year…and every day before and after June 10th, 2024.

Oh good gravy…I can’t wait for that day!

In the meantime, “This is hard…but we (because of our faith/trust in Jesus) can do hard”. (<–quote made popular in our family by my mother-in-law, as she courageously fought cancer.)