#ankleReplacement #ankleReplacementGoneBad

So- not to sound like an “influencer” but – “A few of you have asked for an update on my leg/ankle replacement recovery so I figured this was the best way to answer the question (that honestly I often have a hard time answering – without getting teary)…”

I had my surgery in early June and the first 3-4 weeks were a blur of pain I can’t even describe, and being REALLY drugged to get through it.  Slowly I re-emerged, began working (from home), and figuring out how to get some household things done without putting ANY pressure on one leg (including taking a shower and putting in a load of laundry). 

My borrowed pink scooter became my closest friend (although I’ll be happy when I never see “her” again!) and I eventually figured out how to drive to the office (relying on friends to get me in and out of the car).

As we approached the 10-week mark (when we had been told physical therapy would begin), we became aware that my leg/ankle was not near a 90 degree angle that would allow me to walk.  It was at this appointment, with my surgeon, that it was first mentioned, “We really need to get you to 90 degrees…or we might need to do the surgery again. Let’s take some scans/xrays to see where we are…and let’s do some PT to see if we can get the ankle to move.”

To say Tom and I were SHOCKED is an understatement – I’m thankful he was with me as he immediately jumped in to be my advocate. All I heard was “surgery again” and my tears started immediately. Tom IMMEDIATELY expressed his biggest concern at that moment – my mental/emotional health. He was starting to see some cracks…and my tears were confirming it.

We did two weeks of PT (just to see if the ankle would/could move) and then met back with the surgeon 10 days ago.  At this point it was confirmed (through CT scans/X-rays) that the parts in my ankle, that were put in during the surgery, were “too big” and would never allow me the motion/movement to be able to walk.

So- We need to START OVER.  Do the surgery AGAIN.

10 days later…I still can hardly say it out loud (texting is easier!), but the anti-anxiety meds, that were started at week 10, are definitely helping to say it without gripping fear/sadness and tears.

I’ve been asked if I’m “mad” – and honestly, no. But- I have used the words “devastated” and just “really, really sad“.

I’m still working out the details of “when”.  I put a lot of intentionality into the timing of the first surgery/recovery – purposefully planning to be “up and going” for this current season, which is typically the busiest for my job.  Thinking of how to be gone for several more weeks (again) seems overwhelming but –

I’ve learned A LOT during the last three months, and one is that God is good and while His plans are often different than mine, He can be trusted and is working for MY good.

I’ve also been reminded that “things could be worse” – many people are dealing with much “bigger” things than I am…and while that’s true, it’s ok to admit and be honest with myself (and others) that “this is hard”.  It’s unhealthy to not acknowledge my fear and it’s ok to say “I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN.” #thankfulForGoodFriendsAndTherapy 🙂

Cause the truth is,

“I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN.”

I don’t want to experience the crazy amounts of pain – and need the amount of drugs that it takes to get through the day/night.

I don’t want to go through months of recovery – and experience the fear of “what if we have the same results?”

I don’t want to feel useless – not being able to help friends and serve others.

I don’t want Tom to have to do EVERYTHING for me (and, honestly, my pride doesn’t want to feel like a failing 90 year old on a scooter and needing help – everywhere we go).

I don’t want to be concerned about “earning my keep” with my job and asking others to cover for me or help with things that I typically do.

I don’t want to miss even more time/experiences with my kids and grandkids (especially the latest 3 additions that I can’t even help with or stand up while holding them).

I don’t want to experience the days of sitting in my home – missing friends and things I’ve looked forward to (like a trip I already cancelled).

But – I also don’t want to become bitter and not represent Jesus well during this time.

I want to say “I trust Him” and mean it – and want others to believe me as well.

People have asked if we plan to “sue”…the answer is “no”.  I still have a good relationship with my surgeon (keep in mind she is not personally responsible for the parts custom made for my leg) and I am still confident in her ability and skill to make this “right”.  I’ve worked hard to build a good relationship with her and the office staff and want them to see something different in me. (With that said…have no fear…Tom has made it clear to me, “Now – if something goes wrong this next time…” haha.)

For those that have prayed us through the first time…thank you for standing in the gap for me and caring for us well.  For every card/text/call made…and every meal brought and everyone one that stayed for a few minutes – THANK YOU! The food was amazing and helpful but truly – it was your face I needed!

Going forward – I’d love your prayers for peace for us, wisdom with the timing, and for the manufacturer and surgeon to get it right this time. And, most importantly, that we would make His name GREAT as we do something that seems really hard.

Even drugged and in bed…we ALWAYS take a “selfie”! 🙂 I love my family!

#teamELFHC

Oh, and how crazy that the last time I posted on this blog it was about “THE NIGHT I RAN!” Just seeing that post gave me HOPE and was a little wink from God today that He does, indeed, knows the desires of my heart! :). Check it out here.